a small dispatch: april

what i’ve been doing, watching, reading, etc.

i started daily mental health meds for the first time this month. it feels like a big deal. i finally felt like i needed actual help beyond therapy and grounding exercises. i had zero capacity and had been super irritable, which i learned is an indicator of depression and that makes total sense in hindsight. but my provider explained that i have *high-functioning depression* which feels true because i am not having trouble getting out of bed or going to work, but i have been having an extremely hard time with having patience and focusing and just generally feeling good. i think the more my mental health is suffering, the more i actually can’t sit still.

i was quick to get mad and i wasn’t feeling like the best partner and parent that i strive to be. i know a lot of this is stemming from the grief of my dad - it consumes most of my daily thoughts still. the shock of the whole situation is extremely hard to move through and i have a lot of unresolved anger about the situation for many different reasons. it all happened so fast - we lost him before we even knew that was a real possibility. i did not get to say goodbye. i think disorienting is the best word for it. and i don’t think enough people talk about the way grief manifests outside of just being sad. it’s like yes im sad, but it’s so much more than that. it’s sadness, it’s its anger, it’s love, it’s gratitude, it’s injustice, it’s loneliness, it’s misunderstanding, it’s confusion, it’s fear, it’s regret, it’s guilt. it’s been really really hard.

and so the meds are going pretty well. i’m happy to report that im feeling a bit lighter overall. i’m still in the early days and adjusting but im hopeful and im glad i overcame my fear of trying meds! i had a lot of anxiety with trying something new and knowing that mental health meds can affect everyone so differently, but im glad that so far its been a positive experience for me.

what i’ve been eating

buffalo soy curl salad - i started eating this after i got diagnosed with gestational diabetes and i cant stop. it’s my go to lunch and its super easy to make and throw together. i like prepping a big batch of soycurls i can use for the rest of the week! ranch + buffalo sauce is one of my favorite combinations.

i have the recipe here

what im wearing

been wearing my merry people boots non stop since i got them - i’m eyeing their waterproof clogs too.

i also keep reaching for my black denim overalls this summer. i love these - they aren’t maternity but lasted me through my whole last pregnancy and now are serving me well in postpartum when im fluctuating sizes. they have held up super well and are very comfy.

i also recently got some beyond nine denim jeans and have been reaching for them a lot since they have elastic on the back. very comfy and cute! you can see them here and they will be showing up more!

what i’m reading

famesick by lena dunham - i loved this memoir. i think lena dunham is a really talented writer and her ability to write about a situation that paints nuance and self reflection is really impressive. very much recommend if you are a girls fan.

nasty work by erika hart - i guess im on a non fiction kick because i just started this one after finishing famesick. im still in the beginning but it explores themes of sexuality and how race & sexuality & gender intersect. really enjoying it so far.

what im watching

Parasite (movie) - not to be confused with the brilliant 2019 thriller, but instead this was a 1982 low budget sci-fi horror film. fun, bad, silly, all the things!

Girls (show - hbo) - i started rewatching girls on hbo after reading famesick and it’s so interesting to watch now in my 30s. i’m still in the first season so i’ll probably have more thoughts next time.

The Valley (show - peacock) - this reality show is probably not for everyone, but if you watched vanderpump rules i highly recommend. it has some of the same cast, and even more in the most recent season. but they’re all a bit older and a lot of them have kids, which is interesting. i’m in the most recent season and i love that they show some elements of early motherhood - the demands of exclusively breastfed babies, kristen not wanting to be touched right now or leave her baby, etc. i feel like i haven’t seen those depictions anywhere, and i find it refreshing. and there’s a ton of classic reality tv drama mixed in obviously.

what i’m listening to

i found this podcast on consciousness with michael pollan really fascinating - it was recommended to me by a friend.

what i’m using

i was influenced by a tiktok to try coco floss and you guys - i’ve never been able to be a regular flosser outside of using a waterpik but this floss has made me a flosser!! i have truly flossed every day since getting it. and cassidy is an avid flosser and agrees it’s the best floss ever, so there you go.

these eye patches that dissolve in warm water !! they had been on my list forever and i finally bought them and love love love. they make my dark circles way less dark and i love that they’re waste free.

where im directing funds

translifeline - may is mental health month and suicide prevention is very near and dear to my heart after losing a best friend to it. and this is an awesome resource im glad exists.